The Problem With Child-Led Potty Training

The recent trend of state laws and school district policies mandating toilet training before enrollment has highlighted a peculiar phenomenon: parents’ increasing reluctance to take charge of their children’s potty training. This is not simply a matter of delayed development, but rather a symptom of a broader shift in parenting philosophy that prioritizes child-led decision-making over parental authority.

Utah’s 2022 law and Kansas’s proposed bill are responses to the growing number of unprepared kindergartners arriving at school. But what drives this trend? Easy access to disposable diapers has certainly made the task less pressing, notes Felicity Gillespie, chief executive of Kindred Squared. However, it is also a matter of parents taking a child-led approach that neglects their own agency in the process.

The emphasis on “gentle” or “respectful” parenting has its roots in an admirable desire to respect children as individuals. However, this philosophy often blurs the lines between empowering children and ceding authority to them. The author of The Sovereign Child , a book advocating for rules-free parenting, advocates for taking children “seriously.” In practice, this means avoiding direct instruction – a trend that is increasingly evident in parents’ hesitation to enforce potty training.

The history of toilet training guidance offers a fascinating case study in the evolution of parenting philosophy. In the 1930s, the U.S. Children’s Bureau advised parents to begin bowel training at six months and bladder training by 10 months. However, in the mid-20th century, pediatrician T. Berry Brazelton’s paper on child-oriented toilet training shifted the focus toward allowing children to direct their own learning. This approach has had formal backing from experts like the American Academy of Pediatrics since the 1960s.

The trend is unmistakable: delayed potty training is a direct result of parents’ increasing reluctance to assert their authority in this area. Data from the 1950s shows that over 80% of kids completed bowel training by 24 months; today, only 21% begin before hitting two years old. Research has shown that delayed toilet training can have long-term consequences, including increased risk of urinary tract infections and constipation.

The lack of clear guidelines on readiness has created confusion among parents, who are left struggling to navigate a complex landscape of expert advice. As schools and state governments intervene in this matter, it’s worth considering the broader implications of parental abdication. What does it say about our society when parents are more willing to cede authority to their children than to assert their own agency as caregivers?

In this paradox, we see the consequences of a parenting philosophy that values empowerment over authority. As parents continue to wait for signs of readiness and delay toilet training, they would do well to remember that sometimes it’s not just about giving children choices – but also about taking charge themselves.